It’s that time of the year again, when we get to enjoy one of the few perks from our otherwise desultory job, the office holiday party. We might spend most of our lives waking up before we want to, sitting in traffic that doesn’t move, doing mind-numbing tasks that’s impossible to enjoy, and waste away in awful traffic again so we can get back home to eat Lean Cuisines while watching TV. But for one night a year, our employers plow us with booze, cookies and either a dance floor or a karaoke machine, and all is right with the world.
Now an office party isn’t like any normal party. We’re not supposed to get hammered and embarrass ourselves in front of our superiors and co-workers. We’re still technically in a work environment. We have to be PROFESSIONAL. There’s really only three things one can do at an office party. First, there is a lot of schmoozing going on. Maybe your company’s CEO will be so taken by your charms that he/she will immediately promote you over your asshole boss. You might even be a VP!, all because of that witty, topical you told over brownies. Second, someone WILL drink too much and make an ass of themselves. You should not be in that person, but you should be that person making him or her the butt of your relentless jokes. It’ll make you look better at the expense of someone you might have to compete with at work, and your co-workers will always think of you as more competent compared to the other guy who got sloppy drunk and throw up in a trashcan. Finally, this is the one time of the year where you can get away with an office hookup. Everyone had one drunken one-night stand. Why not with that hot administrative assistant who you’ve never actually talked to. Will the morning after be awkward? Undoubtedly. But Christmas isn’t Christmas without the walk of shame past your office conquest who’s vagina your fingers inhabited mere hours before.
So here then, is a Lady Gaga Christmas song that’s all about having sex on the holidays, with probably a co-worker. This song is from 2009, the year she broke, and it’s horrible. This does get me wondering, has anyone gained actual musical credibility as quickly as Lady Gaga? When she first came out, I thought of her as a novelty, nothing but shock outfits and semi-catchy, but disposable songs. But somehow, after hearing “Poker Face” and “Paparazzi” a hundred times on the radio, they didn’t sound bad at all. Then, “Bad Romance” and “Telephone” were legitimately good pop songs, and now she’s nominated for a Best Album Grammy and became a spokesperson against “don’t ask, don’t tell.” All this in a year, when she started off as this! I’d equate this to the Knicks’ Raymond Felton going from a mediocre point guard that was thrown away by Charlotte, of all teams, to one-half of a devastating pick-and-roll duo with Amar’e Stoudamire and an honest All-Star candidate. Or back in 2008, when Ev Smith somehow leaving the Island in that version of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. And yes, it is that easy to write like Bill Simmons.
Joe Boo
muldo
